(an honest and raw, incomplete entry for day 4 of 7in7.)

Yesterday, Doug and I had a really difficult conversation with a couple that is very close to us. I won’t go into any of the particulars of that conversation yet. But, it was really, really hard. I haven’t had enough time or space to have any clarity about it yet, but one thing has become painfully clear.

Romans 8.28 says “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

I will be among the first to tell you that every single circumstance in our lives – the good, the bad, the painful, the unexpected – is planned by a gracious, kind and sovereign God, for our good (if we are in Christ), and for the glory and fame of the name of God. I can say those words so easily, but what became clear yesterday was that I don’t really believe them. It’s not easy to believe that when your heart is breaking, or when you feel rejected and foolish.

Psalm 30.5 says “Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.” But that wasn’t true this morning. I didn’t feel joy. I woke up deaf and dumb. All I could see and hear was how hurt I felt. My wounds were screaming at me, and I was consumed.

There is a rub, an inner conflict, that happens when your head believes one thing and your heart is saying something different. Most of the time I don’t know which is which. But I do know that two things were true this morning – (1) the word of God which says that all my circumstances are made for me and (2) the reality of my pain. Both things were true this morning. And I don’t know what to do with those two things.

As I write this, I don’t feel like I am any closer to a resolution than I was when I peeled my head off the pillow this morning. Right now, my faith feels so small. I know the promises of the Bible, but my circumstances are speaking louder today.

Jesus said to the disciples that if they had faith the size of a mustard seed, that nothing would be impossible. Today, I am trusting that. My faith is tiny tiny, but geez, have you seen a mustard seed? I am trusting today that even though I don’t feel joy and that my realities are telling a different story, that I have a God that is writing a bigger story and I really do trust that He is a better author than I am.

Little faith, move mountains today. Lord, heal my heart and make me new. I want to live like the new creation that you made me to be, not the dumb old one. C’mon, new creation.